and this, this is for you.

you really 'friggen' hurt me.
i dont think you understand how much.
you can't take back what you said.

and what hurts the most,
i know what you said is true.

last night, well that was something. it started out alright but from there it got worse.
there was a party on, jas and kellies, and another thing why is everyone doing like
a joint party? i swear everyone thinks it is the new trend to do. but honestly its just gay.
anyway this is how it went.

first of i arrive at vickys house to get ready, we caught a taxi there from a highway pretty funny,
we arrived at the party and we were like 15mins early, no worries we pulled up a chair and sat.
then i saw him walk in about 30mins later. my night went down hill from there.

i dont know why i get so pissed off when i see him having a good time, or when i like want
to scream at him. i dont miss him at all. i just hate seeing him laughing and enjoying life.
when im completely worse off.

about half way through the party i came across steph greer, who was nearly bawling her eyes out.
i think back now and see that sitting down next to her wasnt a good idea. i ended up crying too.
we both found a place where no-one went by and sat down. it was around the corner of the house.

no honestly, im not going to fill you in on what happened. because it was shit.
two people told me they wanted to kill themselfs, alot of people where macking on, and i spent my time with mike.
who i really dont have any interest with. dont even get me started on scott, he was such a tool!
i would of liked to been home. under my blankets, away from everything. away from dealing with shit.

im going to go watch skins 3.
i really dont care what i have said about anything, im fucking changing. i dont give a shit anymore.
i dont even know who my real friends are anymore.
the only people im going to care about is the ones that really listen to me, and dont put me down.
that dont call me names, and the ones that answer there phones at 12.45 at night to hear me crying.
the ones that see me everyday at school and hug me because they havent seen me.
the ones that hug me from behind. laugh at my not so funny jokes.
i think i already know who those people are.

fucking bye.

you shit me.

no thats not fair.

you cannot start to like me, once i have gotten over you!
you cannot accidently rub against me on your way to class, you cannot stare at me with your amazing eyes.
you cannot call me to come sit next to you, because that was what i was doing.
and you took no notice of it, and what? it took you a one party to realise that i liked you?
why did it have to take you months to finally understand.
why.

why did you have to leave me? you were the only one who had listened.
i loved you so much, i never was angry at you and know the only thing i have
of you  is the pictures on my wall. im so upset without you.
rest in peace.

screw you mum, i thought so much of you.
but you just get pissed every night and yell at me.
you the one of many reasons i want to leave home.
and i cant wait till im 18, cause im SO out of this house.

i hate this life.
i want to leave.
i want to forget all the people that hurt me.
i want to be somewhere people dont drink.
i want my dog back.

i f***en miss you.
ikyp.

i just deleted about a whole page of writing that i did. fuck.
i'll start again.


i wish some certain people had live journal, so that they could read this.

i said a while ago that i was sick of bitching and messing things up. but as it turns out in not, im constantly messing things up. just this afternoon i turned into a calm conversation into a fight. im so angry and so confused at the same. i didn't realise it was possible. man i hate being like this, i hate the feeling of guilt. i hate feeling like a bitch, i don't know when im being one and when to stop. something about myself i really hate. but tonight i dont know what was up. i mean im worried sick about sarah, she hasn't been acting herself and im not the only one that has noticed. her boyfriend, the one i like, has been complaining to me and talking to me more because she's been so distant. and im not a whore so i dont flirt with him, even i know i could. theres only one person i want to flirt with. but hah, he's taken too! but back to the point, i confronted her about it tonight and it seemed to not go how it was ment to. she thinks everything is fine, and that she has been busy. but what i tried to make her understand is that shes only giving half of the message to some people. sometimes she needs to consider others and say hello and goodbye. not just a smile. she took an attack and said that i sounded like her dad, im sorry but isnt that saying something? that she does need to.. im not going to go into it. its just messed my night up. and from having a talk to her,  i feel really bad. when i thought that i could resolve something but really im just creating more problems.

im so over trying to find a boyfriend or for that matter giving a toss about boys. there either jerks or have a girlfriend. and im over being used by them, im over being there little play toy at work.

come on, life straighten out.
urrh i'll keep you posted.

that advertisement is winning.
this is just updates.

why do i keep talking to him. he really lead me on, and made me feel like crap.
oh yeah that's right, i like him alot. and he thinks were 'just friends'.
and yeah, it pains me to see him falling head over hells for my good friend.
but this is life.

''The problem is every time I try to get close to somebody it's like there's something out there that just says oh Tibby's about to be happy, better get her''

i went to the hospital, i've never been so scared in my life.
i have glandular fever, it sucks.

sorry for not being a in a complaining mood.
ive changed.
i'll keep you posted.

the past five days i have had my head thumping. its not pretty.
i feel like the whole of my head is going to explode, but im sure thats over-reacting.
im sure i can pinpoint how i got so sick, you see the other day i was cleaning
my room, i decided that i dont like how the layout of my room is. anyway i was
cleaning the top of my dresser and i think i used too much chemicals, they
in the end stunk out my whole room and made it smell like oranges. me,
being a stupid little girl said 'i'll be right to sleep in here', well i was very wrong,
it is really bad for you to sleep with any types of chemicals, so this ended up
me getting a headech for the next five days and just my luck, a flu got added in.
how i love my life.

ive never thought about this just untill the other day, but my mum really means alot to me.
its not because she takes care of me when im sick, lets me wear her shoes and borrow her bags
or tucks me in every night. its because she can put up with me. sometimes i am a real
bitch to her and completly distant myself from her and the family. she see's through that
and takes me for who i am and loves me the same. she means so much it kills me to think
that she will be gone before i go. i have no idea how she would of felt when her mother died.
she must of been in such pain, mums are like our rocks. there the base of who you are.
but i dont think she knows that, i hope she does.

i dont like being single. it was great at first but now i miss having someone to tell stupid
little things to or create nicknames, i miss everything about a relationship. this maybe me.
i like relationships, and if anyone likes me, then i'll date them, without thinking. i need to stop
this habbit, it really isnt good. you cant just go around dating people that like you because in a way
you using them. you cant date someone if you dont honsetly like them back. and its deffently not
good enough to cheat on them aswell. i will never ever let that happen again. i swear. and yer sure,
i have a few crushes going on at the moment, and i think people are cute, but i havent found that person
that makes me drop my jaw and go 'holy wack'. i don't remeber that feeling with certain people. which
makes me feel like an idoit. i feel sorry because i know that i semi used them. with, lets call him mr.x,
i pretty much got out of a first long term relationship and it was about 2 weeks later that i dated him.
and after i said yes, i felt guilt. i felt like i let myself down. and alot of other people around me.
and now, with my current dating ways, im fed up. i want to date someone who i really like,
who is not just a faze, that wont use me for popularity or some crap. i dont want to go out with
someone who thinks im 'hot'. and im sick of people from norwood. or others that i previously dated.
i wish there was someone.

i have a party tonight, i feel a bit nervous.
i dont know why.

i need to go get tissues.
i started a new romance novel.
i got temper traps new album, awesome.
i should get out of bed.

i'll keep you posted.

facebook? why, it is so lame.
everyone one is saying 'facebook is so my better then myspace'
there the same thing.
i dont understand how people move on.
you are doing the same thing on facebook.
that you are doing on myspace,
you update, you upload pictures, its stupid.
and lately, im getting over myspace.
but im definitely not getting facebook.
think i'll just be happy with livejournal.

the reach program.
nothing like the year nine one.
it was different, and it made you look at
who you are and what you want to achieve.
there was no tears, but i almost cried
when the reach guy 'luke' told us this
story of how he wish he told his best friend he loved him.
in a totally straight way, but i swear i was like,
that could happen to anyone.
and from know on, im making sure i
tell my friends that i love them.

talking about the name luke,
we are no longer an 'item'.

this week was back to school.
i guess it was alright, basically the normal.
expect for all the stares from the ex.
thanks a bunch for that.
and i have realised how much better
being single is. i can know look, and go ':D
lifes been good.

i have to go to work farley soon.
so not in the mood.

i'll post a longer one when i have the time.
other then that, i'll keep you posted.

*cough cough*
*sniff sniff*

horray, a cold. lovely.
i cant swallow, it feels likes sand paper
rubbing inside of my throat.
i was walking home, had to stop and catch my breath.
my diet this week has been
jelly, apple juice, icecream and panadol/strepsils.
and i think thats not good.
i haven't had any enegry to do various tasks.
nor have i been at school.

and guess what, we have reach tommorrow.
if its anything like year nine.
im not going.

anyway, this was just a quick update.
i'll keep you posted.

boost juice, jack hammer, coles special, dora the explorer, dell, kiwi.
im happy.

i finally have new ear phones, finally!
and friday night boys just came on. i love those boys.
its so good to have new ones. i swear i broke five pairs.
in the last couple of weeks.
i had to go running on monday night with a
crappy old pair that only one earphone worked.
talking about fail.

uhh, lately i have become really into reading.
yes. i am the gay version on steph. no not really.
but its so good to just pretend your that charatcer,
and it takes you into another place.
at the moment im reading "Spin the Bottle"
And the first book, twilight. i must say, twilight is
really not what i expected. its really not what im into.
some parts are dragged on, or just boring.
but saying that i can't put it down. im hoping
that i'll read something good in the next page, or the next one.
but, spin the bottle has just gotten juicey.
im loving it.

quite upset today, walked into jb hi-fi and
no kayne west 808's and heartbreaks.
i was going to ask the assitant, but then i thought
i feel more like a boost.
which is quite nice thankyou.

me and my boyfriend are back on good terms.
but i felt like an idoit the other night.
we were talking on the phone to each other
and i was teasing him about jeans.
anyway as i was telling him about these comments
i got from a 'ment to be' bestfriend,
and then i read out the last one that was sent to me,
and once i was done hes stopped talking,
and asked me "ohh, steph are you alright"
he had to sit for about an hour of me crying on the phone to him.
whilst getting yelled at by his mum.
he made sure i was okay when we hung up the phone.
not to say i cryed all the way through the night.
and looked like crap the next day.
he came and gave me a big hug the next day at school aswell.
i nearly started crying again, but i didnt.
damm i was a wreck.
but im glad i have him. no matter how screwed up i might be.

my mothers taking kiwi to the vet soon.
she said i can have her collar.
i hold her every night.

this week, been gay.

anyway, i'll keep you posted.

 

even heros have the right to bleed.

im really not in the mood for parents. im really not in the mood for homework.
im not in the mood for typing mistakes. im not in the mood for fakers.
ive had a bad 6th period.

lately, things haven't been crash hot.

im fed up with people. im fed up with their wants.
im sick of people telling me what's good for me, what i should be doing.
im over people fighting, im over every last bit of bitching.

why is my dad keep re-heating his dinner?

honsetly, i hate it when people don't take hints. when they don't understand.
when they just want too **** me off.

number five, lily gets eaten by a shark.
i love how i meet your mother.

i'll keep you posted.

okay.
this is no imagination.
im pretty much messed up.
want an example?
i was with my boyfriend tonight and i started acting werid.
my eyes started to swell up.
i went to the bathroom and sat on the floor.
the tears just started pouring out.
my head was screaming out that i cant do this anymore.
i sucked it back up. and went back with him.
what cant i do, i dont know what this is anymore.
im out of place, but i have no place.
im lost.
i need to get away.
i need to be alone.
i need to feel nothing.

a note, im going to corowa for a week. thank the heavens.

i'll keep you posted.

i remember when i used to be in love with this band, but because my ex boyfriend liked them i stopped. i didn't listen to them for a while, but whilst running the other day i found that i really did enjoy listening to them. their lyrics really mean something to me. that might sound gay, but they do. so recently i have found a couple of songs from albums that where probably made before i was in grade four, but there good.

me and rooney where walking today to purchase 'lol' drinks from the north ringwood shops, and we were talking about how we were in primary school. and also about how people change, like was shy but now loud. i thought about this, i havent changed. who i am, now, is the same as who i was in grade six. my views are still the same, what i think, how i act. but sure my appearance has changed alot, but im still the same inside. i kept wondering, is that a bad thing?

i remeber the first time it happened. start of last year. i remeber that day very clearly. and the pain.
i also remeber the time after that, and after that. but this time. something must of gone wrong. it doesn't normally puff up.

and good news. i dont have to go see a psychiatrist. thats if i don't loose the plot again.
good news that they are asleep when i do.

im ment to be running about now.
i'll keep you posted.

6 hours latter and i finally got a new profile,
but i think i did something wrong. but that doesn't matter.

in the past sixteen weeks...
- done something that nobody in there right mind would think of
- didn't get burned all summer
- made new friends, made new starts
- got a job
- got a missed lover back
- and everything came crashing down

i have joined the group of cheaters. i did it, and like many other i regretted it. i have no idea why i did it though. there was no point of it, i wasn't drunk, i wasn't drugged, i wasn't dumped. i did it for nothing. no reason at all. people might say i did it because 'he wouldn't talk to me and i feel like i needed more then a weekend boyfriend.' that's complete rubbish. i had no reason to, and then what i did after wards was just not right. i dumped him, and got with the guy i cheated on him with. that was one big mistake. it shouldn't of happened. and it's all still fresh in my mind. i really don't want to sit awake every night repeating the images of what happened in my mind. it brings me to tears.

tears, i have let them out in the most stupid places. classrooms, netball courts, school courts. but the last one was the worst. one time after my rubbish duty i found sarah sitting on the ground all alone, being a idoit, i sat on top of her. shes like this isn't awkward. then we just started talking about the most randomest things, stupidly i said "ah, i miss him" then sarah gave me this whole talk on him, and what i must do. don't get me wrong, i love when she gives me advice, but she made me cry. and i couldnt stop. i was making her shoulder so wet of tears. never before did i feel the most upset since the reach program. i couldn't controll it which was the worst part. everytime someone asked me what was wrong i kept crying. and the worst part it was a tuesday, i had a double with him next. thank god it was sport, so i could keep running away from him, before he could ask me what was wrong. walking home the tears kept falling down. thank god my parents didn't come home till 8.00pm.

with this said, it is still all raw. it still all hurts. every little detail. i don't think i will ever forgive myself. or forget this anytime soon.

with everystory comes a ending. but with me, there is no ending. my story isn't complete yet. there was a saying. "if you love something set if free, if it dosen't come back to you, maybe it never was." this statement, worked for me. but only by a hair line. he forgave me, even tho i still say sorry. we are friends, lovers even. he came back to me, but i sure did do everything in my power to get him. and i don't say this as a math problem, that it must work out, that it had to be this way. do you get what i mean? like i had to have him. well no this isn't how it was. after i broke up with him, almost instaly i knew it was the wrong choice. i didnt sleep well, i didnt eat well. nothing went right, i was crying almost every night. and yelling at everyone but myself. you could say i was in a bit of a dark patch, and i had no way off getting out. i was so cruel to the ones i loved, and i pushed everyone out of my life. even my best friend. only now, is it starting to get okay again. i havent cried in a week. expect for greys but thats different. but most of all i admitted it to my mother, that was probaly the most hardest thing i had to do. she accpects me still for who i am which is great. she said she will help me threw it and that i don't need to hide it all away. but some of her advice i didn't want to hear. she said i might have depression. its a scary word, it gives me chills. so much so she is taking me to a psychiatrist. im so scared over that, and what they might say. i don't think im up to that just yet.

on another sad note, my fish died. i miss bubbles. he was the one that took my mind off when i was bullied in year seven, year eight, and year nine. he was who i could come home to and just sit with him. he didn't say a word. but i felt it was the best conversation id had all day. i will miss poking m finger in his water, and him eating my finger. i miss telling him my secrets, and basically having something to home to. rest in peace.

one last quick note,
how come i relate to songs?

untill next time,
i'll keep you posted.  

"That my heart is in two different places
I got you in my life and I wanna do right
But it's hard to let it go
When my love has two different faces
And I can't break ties cause they both look right
Someone tell me what's a man to do
When he's loving two
And he don't wanna lie
But he can't tell the truth"

its a song, its how im feeling right know.
there are many other songs that fit my mood.
- hallelujah, i hate this part, cry, your song, love lock-down.
get my point?
yer, i have done something stupid. i am really sorry for it.
but that doesn't help with anything.
i have my friends, yeah they helped me out.
but what im feeling inside, its ripping me.
do you know i cry at night? about this.

im feeling angry that people don't get it.
why should songs take care of me.
why can't they come up and just hold me.
not let me go.

boys suck.

homework sucks.

school sucks.

i didn't get to see kings of leon. that majorly sucks.

i think i might cry tonight.

i cant take this anymore.
what he said.
what he wants.
why me.
i don't and can't deal with it right know.

being a loner at school tommorow sounds good.
i need to be alone.
think things though.

maybe me and cam on the oval.
tanning.

sounds good.
well i must do my story for english.
hey heres a bit which i cryed writing.
(because i was thinking about whats going on)

""

Charlie shook his head, and pushed himself off the ground. He felt his head, there was no cut. That didn’t explain the blood on his hands and floor. There was a lot of blood. Charlie wiped his head, then something caught his eye. There was a trail of blood leading up to the bath. Charlie stood up slowly, and scanned the small body laying in the bath. He felt his heart drop to the floor. Fear and vomit came over Charlie. He saw his fragile mother laying in the bath, hr wrists were cut. The blood was surrounding her, coving her small body. The bath tap was running filling the bath up slowly.        

A piecing scream filled Charlie’s ears. He turned to see Sky standing in the door way, she was still screaming. Charlie moved to the door way, pushing Sky out of the room. Charlie closed the door behind him. Sky was fighting back trying to push past him, screaming there mothers name.

thats it.
i'll keep you posted.

i have job.

in period four i lost it, couldn't take this anymore.
i cried out loud.
i felt and still do like an idiot.
guess I'll go talk to the counselor tomorrow.
i completely lost it.

know im listening to techo.
im messed up.

I'll keep you posted.

the chocolate run. best book i have read so far. it is a great tale of love and friend ship. i can't believe how much i did relate to it. this book started to rule my life. but in a good way. i love how the author used her words. kudos to her. but i know i have to stop leading my life like that book. because im not a movie. im just me.

sometimes it just doesn't seem fair when he doesn't pay attention to me at school, and when im on the phone and really upset, he doesn't take the hint to ask me how i am, how my day is, am i okay? nothing. that's epic fail. really very stressed over this. and the worst thing, he doesn't know any of this. listen to the song if i were a boy - beyonce and running back - jessica mauboy thats how i feel.

school friends, i can't be bothered with them. the reason is that they don't give a crap about me. didn't once call me up in the holidays, ask me to do anything with them. and they have all turned into losers. ditching me, making me feel sad, making angry at night. im not going there.

i have a really dark secret, yes i do. its eating me inside out. i really need a counselor.

i suck at commitment. common fact, everyone knows it. even my netball coach.
i failed at running on a sunday.
i failed at putting 100% in netball.
i am failing at keeping my boyfriend.
i fail at almost everything i do.
anyone got a implant that will keep commitment for me good?
i didn't get that either.

JOB. yes i might be getting of my lazy arse and working.
that's if i get this job, but it looks like i have a foot in the door.
thanks erin.

well. well. well.
it is time to rap it up.
i thinking all this worrying is getting to me.
i'll keep you posted.

i dont have much to add.
just that im going away for ever.
no, just two weeks.
to new zealand, will be good to get away.
so have fun kiddies.

i'll keep you posted.

*screams*
i got the new scouting for girls cd.
and its on my ipod,
yerp. be jealous.
all there songs are so good.

i went for my run this morning,
but i was a bit lazy and only ran around my park 3 times.
i went last week aswell.
that was with my friend catie.
and it was raining.
that was some skilled running write there.

i've been down this week.
there been no netball.
nothing to look forward to on a saturday.
i think it comes back in two weeks, or something.
doesn't help though, i'll be in new zealand.
blast.

i need a laptop.
badly.

well, i cant ramble onto anything more.
i'll keep you posted.